Happy (New Year)

Inevitably, I was thinking about the past year, the last bucket list, should I do new one, what I learned, what goals should I set up, etc. The more I was thinking, the more the answer was escaping from me and we finished like in a circle – I felt it is somewhere around but wasn’t sure if I am running after it, or I am the one being chased. New Year’s Resolution pressure.

The answer came very naturally in the first hours of 2016. I spent the evening with close friends and after we had proper dinner, we went to one of the most popular clubs in Sofia – “Terminal 1”. Two bands were playing last night. They do mostly covers of popular rock bands with a touch of one or two pieces on their own. One of the bands was with the singer Raja. I met this girl on one of her, I believe, very first live performances three years ago. Back then she was doing songs comfortable for her deep low voice and the musician friend I was with said that he is still not sure about her (talent/ proficiency?). I remember we exchanged few words and she said she started to play a guitar just month or two ago. Month or two and already on a stage? If this is not brave, then what?

Anyway, yesterday the performance was from another level. It was professional and complex, a performance by real young musician. The progress Raja had with her voice, her playing and even with her presence on the stage made me think about the time. She achieved so much for three years, I am sure with lots of hard work and proper support. On a contrary, very close person of mine told me that he is on a “phase”, on a “step” of his road towards skills and personality (and fighting with anxiety) already for ten years. Even if it sounds abstract, the parallel I make here is between the goals we set and how we tend to measure them with time.

What time brings to us in this case? Maybe one makes a step or learn a skill for one month, maybe other person does it for three years and other for ten. For one month on a guitar I learned how to do two chords but I mastered some quite good knitting skills for a week. I fulfilled on a half my last year list. And I don’t feel like I am late, I don’t feel the need of a new list and I just look forward for a continuation and slight update.

Not that we are timeless, we are very clearly limited by our mortal life, but outside of this all other frames we alone put to ourselves. And the answer it is not in the time cycles, we shouldn’t identify ourselves through them. You are not what you did in 2015, or what you plan to do in 2016. You are, to some extent, what you are doing now. You are you. So, again it seems more important to answer these questions:

Who am I?

What is most valuable for me?

What I want?

And then the time is not source of anxiety and pressure anymore. So my wish to everybody is to get free of time, be thankful, happy, patient with yourself and simply be.

There is one saying I heard few days ago. When a person is healthy, he has many problems. When is sick, he has only one problem. So may all of us have these many problems together with our health. All else comes into place sooner or later.

Thank you all, beautiful people.

My Talking Head ( A New Year’s Resolution)

It is remarkable achievement of the modern human society that we all ‘agreed’ to measure time more or less the same way – a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, and eventually – an year. The big trick is that the year doesn’t happen over one night and one cannot make even for promises and resolutions at the last minute. It is not this minute in which I will change myself or the things I’ve done.

An year is a process.

It is about moments, situations and dynamics of being better you. This reflection should be somehow constant, not part of “to do” list for one day. However, I have to agree with my friend who told me yesterday “But of course we have to make our resolutions! So we can take a look where are we going and what’s happening around”. I think, why not just take this step back now, observe what I did, how I changed and how I want to continue…

A few months ago I the chance to see the short movie Talking Heads (1980) by the Polish director Krzysztof Kieślowski. In this 14-minutes long documentary he asks people from all ages and various occupations few simple questions. This film is important because offers the idea of comparison between different Polish generations – some of them have lived through the two most disastrous wars. But there is also the intimate element of personal values and choices. The spectator inevitably asks himself – how would I answer to this questions, so simple at a first glance?

Who am I?

What is most valuable for me?

What I want?

I suffered a lot when I saw this movie. Is it so bad that I don’t have these answers ready? Does this make me less valuable individual? I though about it and I figured out that most probably this is:

A) outcome by the modern diverse and crazy society, the boom of technologies and information, the vision of possibilities and no clear paths. I mean, hey, I was playing with wooden sticks and rocks when I was a pupil, was watching only two children series on the two possible channels and yesterday I just downloaded Tinder on my smart touch phone which is basically a screen and has no buttons…

B) the most human thing ever – being in doubt for the purpose and meaning of your own existence. Transcendental and abstract, no further comments on it now.

I want to think about the answers this year, to find them for myself and to continue rediscover them. I truly believe as the things change, the answers cannot stay the same, but one can just reflect more often and be honest with themselves.

As we live in a concrete world, I also have few concrete things on my list for this year. For the last one I had movies, hitchhiking, djembe and tofu – meaning learn to play djembe and go vegetarian at least for some time. Well, I was volunteer in all film festivals in my home city, I am still a happy vegetarian and I enjoy discovering and cooking veg dishes, but I don’t play djembe.

Here it is my current list:

– Play on a music instrument, just to try, pay effort on it and check if it suits you.

– Read at least 3 books in Polish and dare actually to use and develop your language skills!

– Get things done (if it’s necessary make even schedules)!

– Hitchhike.

– Write more often.